"Or Maybe it's just me."
Xenogears Science Theatre 9000


Isle of Bishounen
Run Away
Land o' Goodies

Xenogears Science Theatre 9000
Episode 1/4
Author: Phoenix-chan
Rating: NC-17 Keep the kiddies AWAY!!
Warning: Keep the kiddies AWAY!! 
Note: We love you Phoenix-chan!  We are plural!

Xenogears Science Theater 9000
Episode 1/4
Author: Phoenix-chan
Rating: NC-17
Warning: NOT for the kiddies. 
Notes: We love you phoenix-chan!  We are plural!

In the not too distant future

Next Sunday AD

There was a guy named Kahr

Really different than you or me

He worked really hard all night and day

On his obsession trying to kill Fei

He spent all his time on this endless chase

But Krelian didnt like him so he shot him into space



Krelian: Ill send him cheesy fanfics the worst I can find (La la la)

Hell have to sit and read them all then Ill monitor his mind (La la la)


Now keep in mind Kahr cant control where the fanfics begin or end

Cause Krel wanted to torment him, so he sent Kahr some friends


Good Guy Roll Call!






If youre wondering how he eats and breaths and other science facts

Just repeat to yourself its just a game, I should really just relax

For Xenogears Science Theater 9000! *twang*


EPISODE 1: A touching moment...



SOL 9000


Scene opens on Kahr trying to kill Fei.


KAHR:  Come back here!  I dont want to hurt you, I just wanna talk!  And then kill you.

BART: Is he at it again? This is the third time this week!  Citan, do you have your tranq gun?
CITAN: Itll be over soon.


OFFSCREEN: Theres a bright flash of red light and Kahr comes flying across the screen unconscious.  ID walks on screen brushing his hands together.


ID: (looking at Kahrs unconscious form) How many times do we have to do this?  You try to kill Fei, he turns into me, and I kick your ass.  Dont you ever learn?

KAHR: (unconsciously) Im not trash...Im not trash...

CITAN: Great, you knocked him into the button to call Krelian


Red light goes off.


CITAN: (Groans) Awww, look what you did!

ID: ME?  If his unconscious body hadnt flown that way, none of this would have happened!


Krelian appears on screen wrapped in a towel.


KRELIAN:  It never fails, every time I go in the bathroomOh, its you.


SOL 9000


CITAN: (nervously) Uh, hi KrelianYou see, we wouldnt have bothered youbut Id here




KRELIAN: (Holds up his hand) I dont want to hear it!  You bothered me, so Im going to send you the latest experiment.  I would have sent you Its a Wonderful Life and a Turkey, it being the holidays and all, but YOU had to disturb my private time.

MIANG: (offscreen) Krel...  I found the whip

KRELIAN:(Impatiently) Coming Miang!  (To the crew on the SOL 9000) Pick up joy boy there and get into the theater!  Im sending you a nice little lemon called Chibi-Usa and Hotaru, One moment in time.


SOL 9000


Yellow lights start to go off everywhere.


CITAN: AHHHHHHH!  Weve got Fanfic sign!

ID: (beginning to tiptoe away) I think Ill wait out here.

ELLY:(coming into the main part) You caused this, so you have to suffer along with the rest of us.  Now pick up Kahr and get into the theater.


Id picks up Ramsus, who mutters something incoherent about trash, and carries him into the theater.




Elly, Citan, Bart, sit down.  Id puts the unconscious Ramsus into a seat and then sits down


                       >Aaron <tuxedo@connect.ab.ca>


ID: This is gonna hurt, the guy doesnt even know the Alphabet.

CITAN: Well if YOU hadnt blasted Kahr into the button...none of this would be happening

ID: (gives Citan an icy stare) Shut up.

CITAN: Shutting up.

ELLY: Will you two both shut up so that we can get this fic over with!


                        >Chibi Usa and Hotaru: One Moment in Time


BART: (singing) Give me one moment in time...

ID: (muttering) Since youve never gotten any...

CITAN: Id...

BART: (head bowed) Well, Margie and I are waiting...

ID: Right.




>Chibi Usa squealed as she ran to her best friend in the world and hugged her

>tightly. Hotaru put her arms around Chibi Usa and tenderly hugged her back,

>accompanying her hug with a soft kiss on the cheek.


ELLY: Already?!  Its not even a page into it yet.

ID: So?


>Hotaru had been visiting Haruka and Michiru for two weeks.  She felt it

>right to visit them every so often since she considered them her surrogate parents.  But

>from now on, Crystal Tokyo was her home.  It had been her home for many years.


>The greatest joy of her life was watching her best friend, Chibi Usa grow

>up.  The last years were a giddy thrill


BART: A giddy thrill?

CITAN: Dont read too much into it.  Its only a lemon.  We havent even gotten to the bad part.


                                                               to Hotaru, bearing witness to the blossoming



ID: And how much can we read into blossoming womanhood?

                        of someone who had been her best friend for centuries.  Someone she had grown

>to love more deeply than even Chibi Usa really knew.  Hotaru loved Chibi Usa more



ID: Chocolate mints?

BART: Spider Man?

ELLY: Labor Day sales at Hechts?


             life itself.


ALL: Oh.


>After over 900 years, Chibi Usa's body had finally grown into a healthy,

>attractive girl of 17.


ID: It took her 900 years to reach puberty?

CITAN: I wonder how long it will take her to reach menopause.

ELLY: Citan!  What would Yui say?

CITAN: Shes not here. 

                                   Her pink hair


KAHR:(groggily waking up and seeing pink hair) Seraphita?

ELLY: No, Kahr, this is Chibi-Usa.  Remember from Sailor Moon?

ID: Oh no, hes awake.

KAHR: Did Krelian send us another fic?

CITAN: (uncharacteristically enthusiastic) Yeah!  And this ones a lemon!

ALL look at him.  Elly moves over a seat

CITAN: What? I miss Yui!


>was still in the cone-shaped pom-pom

>style she'd always worn, although it was much longer, reaching down just below her knees.  Her >body was soft and slender, with curved, shapely legs and her breasts were almost as large as

>her mother's. But they still weren't fully developed yet, so her breasts would eventually grow >larger.


ALL GUYS are drooling.

ELLY:(pissed off look and whispers) Ecchi.

ID: But what about the time that you and Fei...

ELLY: Shut up, Id.

ID: Hey, what do you expect?  Im Feis desire.


>To see that beautiful girl bounce down the Palace steps to greet her just

>made Hotaru smile.  To feel Chibi Usa's arms around her brought on such a feeling of

>indescribable joy, Hotaru felt like she was going to cry.  Chibi Usa had been her first

>friend.  A friend through thick and thin, at a time when friends were all

>too few for Hotaru.  Over the years, they've laughed and cried together.

>But through it all, their friendship never wavered and Chibi Usa never once

>judged her.  Hotaru loved Chibi Usa for that.  And over the years that love continued to grow >until it had grown beyond love for a friend, even beyond love for a lover.


BART: Ow, I think that paragraph gave me a cavity.

ID: Bounce....

KAHR: Maybe I should get to know Seraphita a little better.


>"Welcome home,"  said Chibi Usa, "I missed you.  I'm really glad you're back."


>"I'm so glad to be back," Hotaru replied, "I missed you so much."


>Chibi Usa leaned over and whispered in Hotaru's ear.


>"I hope you don't want to repeat what happened two weeks ago.  You didn't

>miss me that much did you?"


ID: Two weeks ago?
BART: What happened two weeks ago?

CITAN and KAHR: Tell us what happened two weeks ago!


>Both their minds darted back to two weeks ago, before Hotaru left.



ELLY: (majorly pissed, and a little louder) Ecchi!


>They were both sitting on Chibi-Usa's bed in her room.  They were both just

>wearing panties and cotton button-up shirts.  They were talking about something,

>neither one of them could quite remember what, because what happened after made the whole

>conversation seem pointless.


All guys lean forward slightly in their chairs


>Chibi Usa was talking and Hotaru was looking at her.  Suddenly, Chibi Usa

>looked up and saw that Hotaru had looked away, her creamy white cheeks blushing a

>bright pink.  Although, Hotaru felt that her whole body was blushing.


>"Hotaru, is something wrong?" Chibi Usa asked immediately.


>"Iuh, well uh.I"


CITAN:(as Hotaru) Im really a man.

ID: Wouldnt that defeat the whole purpose of this being a lesbian lemon?
BART: Why do you want her to be a man, Citan?
CITAN:(Nervously) Mourn not for Angels was NOT my idea!  So dont get thoughts like that!

BART: Well, thats not what Sig says...

CITAN: Can we just read the fic?


                                          was Hotaru's only response.


>Chibi Usa took her hand.


>"Come on," she said softly, "What is it?"


>"I uhI wanttobewell, I don't know how to say this."


ELLY:(Monty Python) I feel happy!


>"What?"  Chibi Usa was beginning to look concerned.


>"touched," Hotaru said softly, almost under her breath, "Iwantto



ID: Damn I wish Chibi-Usa!

ELLY gives him a dirty look.

ID: T-t-t-t-t-Touch Me!


>"What do you mean?  I'm touching you right now." 


BART: I wanna be dirty!

CITAN: Did we miss something?


                                                                                  Chibi Usa said, still holding her hand.




>"No, no.  Not thatkind of touching."


>Chibi Usa's thought for a moment.  Then her eyes widened.


>"What?  You meanthat kind of touching?"


>Hotaru didn't reply, she just lightly nodded.


>"WellI guess, if you wanted to.  I mean, I've seen you touch yourself



BART: You werent very good at it.

ID: And what would you know about that?
BART hangs his head in shame.


                     It's no big deal.  Just let me make sure the door's locked first before you start."


>"No, no.  I don't want to masturbate.  Iwantanother person to touch me."


ID: Now I REALLY wish that I was Chibi-Usa!


>"What other person?  What are you talking about?  You want someone to touch you?"


CITAN: How many different ways does she have to say it?  She wants to be touched, fondled, caressed, petted, stroked, rubbed...

BART: Damn, doc!  Calm down!

CITAN: Ohsorry


>Again Hotaru just lightly nodded.




ID: Me! Me!

ELLY smacks him



>"Wellbefore I answer that, I just want you to know that I've thought long

>and hard about this, for a long time. 


ELLY: I didnt think that there would be anything long and hard in this fic.


                                                             I wanted the person to touch me to be someone

>I loved, someone I really cared about.


ID: (As Hotaru)Someone who wouldnt charge me


                                                               I know who I want to do it, but I'm afraid to



>"Why?" Chibi Usa was still holding her hand, "Who is it?"


BART:(sarcastically) Yes!  Were all wondering!


>Hotaru was still looking away.


>"Hotaru, Come on.  You can tell me.  Who is it?"


>Hotaru turned and looked at Chibi Usa, her violet eyes filled with longing,

>but at the same time, they had a hint of guilt.  Chibi Usa's eyes nearly popped out of

>her sockets and she fell off the bed.


KAHR: (Genuinely wanting to know) Well who was it?

The others just look at him.


>"Me?!?!?!" she sputtered as she picked herself up, "You want me to touch you?!"


>"I was afraid you'd feel that way,"  Hotaru said, with obvious disappointment in her voice.


ALL GUYS groan in disappointment


>"Hotaru, now just wait a minute.  Wait just a second.  Now let's back up and

>slow down.  I meanwhy me?  Why do you want me to touch you?"


ID: Why dont you want me to touch you?

ELLY smacks him again

ELLY: Geez!  Whats your problem?
ID: Well, you and Fei dont do it enough.


ID: Hey, I have access to his memories, and little Fei is not happy!  Hes not getting enough


ELLY grumbles to herself


>Hotaru put her hands over Chibi Usa's.


>"Because, it's like I said before.  I want it to be someone I love.  You've been my best

>friend for years.  You've always stood by me.  I love you Chibi Usa.  I love

>you with all my heart and soul."


>"Well, I love you too Hotaru, but I don't know how I feel about this.  I

>mean, something just doesn't sound right."


ID: It sounds fine to me!

ELLY: Do I have to smack you again?
ID: No maam


>"Chibi Usa, I know you don't have the same love for me as I do for you.  I

>understand that.  But I'm not asking to touch you and I'm not asking us to make love."


KAHR: Thats Haruka and Michirus department.

BART: Fanboy!

KAHR: Shut up you miserable desert rat!


>Hotaru held Chibi Usa's hands tighter.


>"I just want to feel you touching me, just once.  I love you so much.  Just

>for one time, I want to give myself to you, completely."


Id opens his mouth to say something, looks at Elly, and quickly closes it.


>"I don't know.  I just don't know how I feel about this.  I've got to think

>about this for a while."


CITAN: What do you need to think about?!  Lets get it on!

ELLY: (smacks him) Shut up Corneo!


>"II understand.  This is a big deal.  I'dI'd better go now, before I make things worse."


>Hotaru got up from the bed and walked out of the bedroom.  Although it was

>pretty obvious to Chibi Usa what she was thinking.  She already suspected that

>Chibi Usa would say no and if that happened, what would that bode for their

>friendship?  Chibi Usa knew they would still love each other.  Love is stronger than that.  But

>what would they do with this specter floating over them now?


KAHR: They wouldnt get sunburned.


>Chibi Usa was lucky to get any sleep that night.  But she was wide awake

>early the next morning.  Part of her wanted to talk to Hotaru about the night before, but

>she couldn't find her and she could tell right away that Hotaru was avoiding her.  Chibi

>Usa really couldn't blame her.  If she were in the same position, she'd want to lay low

>for a little while too.


KAHR: Position...

ID: Lay low...

CITAN: There are so many jokes that I could get out of the words lay low I but wont.


>She spent the better part of the morning walking around the Crystal Palace,



ELLY: where her Rice Krispies were.

CITAN: She must really want to snap crackle and pop with Hotaru

ID: Thats my line!


                   what to do.  Her and Hotaru had masturbated together before, the first time

>when she was 16.  But touching Chibi Usa touching Hotaru?  Finally deciding that this was

>over her head, she went off in search of advice.


ID: I could give her plenty of advice


>"I have to say, I'm curious.  Why all these questions about love all of a

>sudden?"  Ami asked.


KAHR:(shocked) Ami?  Of all the people she could ask, she askedAmi?  Why not Minako or Makoto?  Or for that matter Michiru or Haruka?

CITAN: Youre really getting into this, arent you Kahr?

KAHR shoots Citan a dirty look


>"Well, I just have a friend who's having a bit of a personal problem," Chibi

>Usa said, as she helped Ami enter new data into the Palace computer, "She has a friend

>she really loves and she wants to go a bit further than friendship.  I'm just not sure

>how her friend feels."


ELLY:(As Ami) Well, the friend should find out if the friend wants to be friends or friends.  Because sometimes friends misunderstand friends.

KAHR: Huh?
CITAN: What she means is

ID: Save it, Citan


>"How much farther does she want to go?" Ami asked.




>"OhI see."


>Ami thought for a moment.


>"Well, has she made her feelings known to this person?"


>"Vividly." Chibi Usa rolled her eyes slightly.


>"Well, I'm afraid there's nothing to do but wait and see what her friend does."


>Well, thanks for nothing, Chibi Usa thought to herself.  Talking to her just

>left me right where I started.


>"I can tell you this," Ami said, "From what you've told me, this doesn't sound like a

>frivolous request. 

BART: Frivolous request? Is that anything like a giddy thrill?

KAHR: Huh?

BART: Dont worry about it.  You were unconscious  during that part.


                               She must love this person very much.  There was one time

>when I asked a personal favor.  I won't go into detail, but it was from someone I

>love very much."


>"What did he do."


>"'She' actually."


ELLY: (groans) Its obvious that the author read Evening at Litas

ID: And how would you know about that?
ELLY: None of your business!




>"Don't you get any ecchi thoughts, young lady."


KAHR: Its a bit too late for that.


>"Never.  My lips are sealed too.  So what happened."


>"Well, she helped me.  I'm not saying our friendship was affected, although

>we did become a little closer,


ID: Wouldnt that imply becoming very close?


                                                but I was afraid of what would happen.  I wasn't

>sure until after that I'd made the right decision, but afterwards, it felt right.  I'd like

>to think I'm better off now for having that experience then.  That's about

>all the advice I can give you on the subject."


>"Well, maybeThanks Ami."


BART:(as Chibi-Usa) for Nothing!


>Chibi Usa walked off.  Ami made a good case, but Chibi Usa still wasn't sure

>what to do at that point.  What happens afterward


CITAN: You usually smoke a cigarette


                                                                                and touching Hotaru didn't feel like

>the right decision to make?  So she went to talk to someone with a little more

>experience with her problem.


>"Yuki?  What do you want to know about her?" Makoto asked.


KAHR: Nani?!  I didnt know Makoto was like that!

ID: What the hell does Nani mean?

CITAN: Well its a Japanese word.

BART: Nobody cares, doc.  Sit down.


>"I just have a friend who has a personal problem and I thought you might be

>able to give me some advice that would help her.  I mean, you and Yuki are friends, but

>Yuki wanted more than friendship, right?" Chibi Usa said.  She was helping Makoto bake

>chocolate chip cookies.


>"Well, yes, but that didn't last.  I told her that I wasn't interested in

>that kind of a relationship.  Uh, you might want to put more sugar in that batter.  You

>know your mother likes them sweet."


ID: I guess Makoto knows just how she likes it, huh?
KAHR: Its not like that!  Theyre just friends. In the days of the moon kingdom...

BART: Save it, Kahr.  Long winded explanations are Citans department.

ID:(coughing) Fanboy!  Fanboy!


>"Oh, right.  So she stopped flirting with you?"


>"Are you kidding?  She was constantly flirting with me.  She sometimes does

>it even now.  I admit, there were times it got a little annoying.  But she never got



>"So how have you two stayed friends for so long with all that pressure?"


ELLY: I didnt think that pressure of any kind would come into this fic.


>"Well, I just accepted her actions towards me as part of our friendship.


BART: Oh yeah, thats a really normal expression of friendship.  Thats the kind of friendship that Sig and Citan had in Solaris.


KAHR: Well, you guys always were...close...

CITAN looks away nervously


>She isn't a bad person and she isn't ecchi either.  She just has her own way of  acting

>around me.  Her actions haven't changed who we are.  I don't know if that helps your friend

>or not, but it couldn't hurt."


ELLY: Just how dense are these people that they dont realize that shes talking about herself?


>"Thanks Makoto."


>Chibi Usa was still unsure.  Touching Hotaru in such private places, it was

>an enormous step.  This could change the face of their entire friendship, in spite of

>what Makoto said.


BART: Well, she could just ask Citan

CITAN:(smacks Bart) SHUT UP!

BART: Damn doc, you even hit like a girl!


>"Well, I don't know what I could tell you," Rei said, "I mean, this is a

>really private situation."


ID: Rei?!  Look, stop asking and start touching!!!

ELLY: ECCHI! (smacks Id really hard)


>"I know Rei, but my friend really doesn't know what to do."


ELLY: Again with the friend crap!

KAHR: Whys she asking Rei?  Reis straight, at least I thought she was.


>"Well, if we're going to talk, you can help me clean these floors."


>"Oh sure," Chibi Usa picked up a brush to help Rei scrub the temple floor,

>"but I'm in a bit of a hurry."


ID: She wants to go touch! Let her go touch!  For the love of Deus, let her go touch!

CITAN: Calm down, Id.

ID: You know you want to see it too!

All guys nod


>"Well, any help you can give me is appreciated.  It's less work for me to

>do.  As for your problem, I think I had a situation that can relate to this



ELLY: The author definitely read Evening at Litas




>"I actually can't believe I'm telling this story again.  It was so long ago.

>There was a time I thought I wanted to be more than friends with someone.  I actually

>had a dream about it.  It wasanothergirlactually."


BART: Who is she now, William Shatner?

ELLY: (as William Shatner) PleaseReiI justwant to befriends


                                                                                          Rei couldn't help but blush, even

>after all these years, it was still a strange feeling for her to talk about it.


>"Really?  Who?"


>"That's not important," Rei went back to scrubbing, "I don't mind telling

>you though, I was scared to death.  I literally didn't sleep for a week.  It wasn't



ID: We wanna know who it was!  Tell us!


>"So what did you do?"


>"I eventually talked to her about it.  It's not like I had much choice under

>the circumstances,


ELLY: How bout the choice toumI dont knownot tell her?!


                               but somehow it made us both feel a lot better.  And after a

>while, I realized that I didn't have the feelings I thought I had."


ELLY: Oh, it was just a pervo dream

KAHR: I knew Rei wasnt like that.


>"That might be an idea.  Thanks Rei."


>"Well, I guess it helped, but I don't see how.  Now let's finish this floor

>and you can be on your way."


>Rei might be right Chibi Usa thought.  Maybe Hotaru doesn't really want

>this.  She only thinks she does.  Then again, maybe I'm just rationalizing.


ID: Then again, maybe we just want to see you touch.


>"What do you think of this one?" Minako asked, holding the dress in front of her.


KAHR: Now its Mina?  What the hell?
ID: Dammit!  Get to the touching, or else Ill come into that Fanfic and start touching her myself!

ELLY smacks Id twice


>"If you were Ami, I'd say go for it," Chibi Usa said, "But blue isn't really your color."


>Minako let out a groan of frustration and threw the dress onto the bed next

>to where Chibi Usa was sitting.


>"Well, I've got to wear something.  I mean, I can't show up on a date in

>just my bra and panties, can I?"


ID: Yeah.  Im sure youre date wouldnt complain.

BART: That would be something that we would all like to see.


>"Not unless you want to send a pretty strong signal to your date.  Anyway,

>about my friend's problem."


ELLY: Enough with the friend bit already!  Just say its you and get it over with!

CITAN: Calm down, Elly.  Its just a fic.


>Minako let her problem go for the moment and sat next to Chibi Usa.


>Okay, okay.  Hmmm.  Well, I remember one time not too long ago I had this

>friend.  He was handsome and pretty smart. 


KAHR: I knew she was straight! 

ID: Kahr, youre giving me so many opportunities with that one...


                                                                       We thought we could have a relationship.  So

>we went out once, to give it a try."


>"What happened?  The date didn't work out?"


>"No, the date was perfect.  The dinner, the dancing. 


ID: The sex

                                                                                  We even kissed at the

>end of the night."


>"So what happened?"


BART:(as Mina) He didnt stay to cuddle.


>"I don't know.  Something just didn't click, you know. 


CITAN: Click?  I thought you guys clicked all night?


                                                                                       Something just

>didn't feel right.  Don't get me wrong, we're still friends.  But we just didn't know how to be

>more than that.  I don't know, I hope that helps."


>"Well, thanks Minako.  That helps a little."  Chibi Usa ran out of the room,

>but peeked her head back in quickly.


>"By the way, I like the red one in the corner."


>Minako looked and then squealed in delight.


ID: Shes getting way too hyper about a dress, dont you think

ELLY: Its a girl thing.  You wouldnt get it.

ID: Oh, I thought Fei was getting it every other night!

ELLY shoots him a dirty look




>Well, I've talked to the others and I'm still no closer to finding the

>answers to my questions than when I started, Chibi Usa thought.  From what I got from Ami

>and Makoto, it could be a good thing, but what if it's not?  From Rei and

>Minako, Hotaru deep down might not even want this.  What do I do?


>"So after all that you finally decide to come to your parents,"  Usagi giggled.


There is a shocked silence in the theater

ELLY: Her parents?

ID: Shes going to her parents?

CITAN: Shes talking about homosexuality...

BART: With her parents?

KAHR: What the hell is wrong with her?!


>Chibi Usa flashed a tiny glare.


>"Look, I'm sorry.  I just think it's funny, that's all."


>"Look, can you help me please?  I still don't know what to do."


KAHR: They seem awfully calm about this.

ELLY: Citan, what would you do if Midori asked you something like this?
BART: Oh, hed be glad that she was following in Daddys footsteps.

CITAN: (turning red with anger) Thats IT!  Im going to kick your one-eyed ASS!

BART: Bring it on Sissy boy!

Citan jumps at Bart and throws him to the floor as they begin to fight.

ID: (looks down) Five bucks on Bart!


>"Your awfully concerned about this," Mamoru said, "Is there something your not telling



ELLY: If youre too stupid to figure out that your own daughter is talking about herself, then how can you rightfully call yourself King of the Earth?!


>"Look, I just want to help, okay.  Can you give me some kind of advice?"


BART: (from the floor) Citan could give her plenty of advice!

CITAN: (also from the floor) Well, if she wants to know about celibacy, then youre the perfect person to ask!


>"Well, to be honest, I don't know what we can tell you," Usagi said, "We

>don't have all the answers.  We can't say what decision is the right one to make, because

>it's not our decision. 


KAHR: Youre the rulers of the planet, and you cant figure out an answer?


                                    I'm afraid you're just going to have to wait and see what your

>friends decide to do."


ELLY: Even her parents are idiots!

KAHR: Well, Usagi was always kind of a ditz...

ID: (coughing loudly) Fanboy!  Fanboy!

KAHR: NoOtaku

ID:(puts his hand to his face and shakes his head) He doesnt even know when hes being insulted


>"That's not as comforting as I'd like to think," Chibi Usa said as she walked off.


>"Chibi Usa,"  Mamoru called.  Chibi Usa turned.


>"We can tell you this.  The only way your friends are going to be truly

>happy is if they both do what they feel they should do, not what they think they should do."


ID: (Screaming loudly) TOUCH!!!


>Chibi Usa stood and thought for a moment.  Then she smiled, ran up and

>hugged Usagi and Mamoru.


ID: Not them you idiot!!


>"Thanks," she said, "Believe it or not, that was a big help."


ELLY: How?


>She darted off down the hall as Usagi and Mamoru looked at each other.

>Usagi had a confused look on her face.


ELLY:(as Usagi) *gasp* Could she be talking about herself?  Oh my god!


>"Don't look at me," Mamoru said, shrugging his shoulders, "She's your daughter."


BART: (from the floor) Apparently homosexuality runs in more than one family around here.

CITAN refrains from comment, and continues to beat up Bart.


>"Oh thanks a lot," Usagi punched him in the arm.


>"I was just kidding."


>"Yeah, sure you were."


ELLY: On that note, I think we can take a break.

ID: Yeah, at this rate theyll never get to the touching.

They all exit the theater, except for Citan and Bart who continue to rolls round on the floor like 10-year-olds continuing to insult each other

SOL 9000 Bridge


KAHR, ELLY, and ID are sitting around the table playing cards.


KAHR: (looking at his cards) Should we kill Krelian for this lemon?
ID: You cant even rightfully call it a lemon!  Weve gone through at least half the fic, and there hasnt been even a hint of touching!

ELLY: And there was much rejoicing, yay.

KAHR: Look, just because YOU dont want to see them touch, doesnt mean that you should spoil it for the rest of us!

ID: Im just glad we got out of there before we had to see Bart and Citan touch.

KAHR:(looks at Id) Are you OK, Id?  you dont look so good.  You look paler than usual.

ID: Dammit, hes waking up.

Elly perks up a bit.

ID: Why does he have to wake up now?  I havent seen them touching yet! 

KAHR: Poor Id.  You wont get to see the touching.

ID:(as he turns back into Fei) If there even is touching.


Flash of red light as Id changes back into Fei.  Elly jumps on him.


FEI:(looking pleasantly confused)  Did I miss something?
KAHR: Only the first half of a lemon.

FEI: Did I miss the good part?
KAHR: No, they havent even gotten there yet.

ELLY:(giving Fei a stern look) You really dont want to see that, right?
FEI: Oh, um of course not!  What would make you think that?

ELLY: Good.

KAHR: (makes whip noises)

ELLY: Well, the highlight of the fic so far is when Citan and Bart started beating the snot out of each other.


Yellow light goes off.


KAHR: Oh no.  Not him.  Not now.


KRELIAN appears on the screen, and as he moves his hand away from the button you can see handcuffs dangling from his wrists.


KRELIAN: What are you slackers doing out of the theater?


SOL 9000


KAHR: Well, there wasnt any touching, so we got bored and decided to leave.

ELLY: Yeah, and besides, we really didnt want to watch Bart and Citan fight like 10 year olds.




KRELIAN: Get back in there!  I dont have you up there so you can take breaks.


SOL 9000


FEI: Why do you have us up here anyway?




KRELIAN: None of your business!

MIANG:(offscreen) Krel...Get back into bed.

KRELIAN: Get back in the theater and read the fic!

Krelian turns off the screen.


Fei, Elly, and Kahr  re-enter the theater to the sight of Citan and Bart laying on the floor panting.


CITAN:(panting) Get over hereso I can beat you up some more.

BART:(also panting) Noyou come over here, you four-eyed geek.

KAHR: (sitting down) You know, if Id were here, hed have some comments about this.

BART:(still panting) Screw youtrash

KAHR: (jumping to his feet) WHAT?!  Ill kill you!

ELLY:(gently) Sit down, Kahr.  Citan, Bart, sit on opposite ends of the row.

CITAN and BART crawl to their seats still insulting each other under their breaths.


>It was night.  Hotaru was walking down the hallway to her bedroom.  She was

>wishing she didn't have to walk past Chibi Usa's room to get there.  She had spent

>the entire day racked with guilt.  She wanted to be touched by Chibi Usa, she couldn't deny



FEI: Touched?  Chibi Usa?  Exactly how much did I miss?

CITAN: Krelian sent us a Sailor Moon lesbian lemon.

FEI gets a goofy smile on his face

ELLY:(smacking him) Get that look off your face, right now!

FEI: But Elly...



            But what kind of person was she to just come out and hand it to her as if it

>were an ultimatum.  Chibi Usa was her best friend, someone she loved more than

>anything.  How could she put someone she loved so much through that kind of pressure?  More

>importantly, what would Chibi Usa think of her now?


>Suddenly, Hotaru felt someone grab her arm and pull her into a room. 


BART: *gasp* Willard Scott?



>soon as she got her bearings, she realized she was in Chibi Usa's room.  Chibi Usa was

>holding her shoulders and had her pinned to the wall.


CITAN: I didnt know Hotaru was into masochism

BART: Is that something else you and Sig were into, Doc?
ELLY: Stop it!  Both of you!


>"Owww!" Hotaru cried out on instinct.


>"Now listen," Chibi Usa said, "You've been avoiding me all day.  Now I've

>done a lot of thinking too, and as far as last night goes, I have just one thing to say to you"


KAHR: Happy Birthday!


>Oh no, Hotaru thought.  As if out of nowhere, tears started streaming down

>her pale cheeks.


>"Please, Chibi Usa." she said, "I'm sorry.  It's my fault.  You don't have

>to do anything. 


FEI: What?!  Why not?


                           I want us to stay friends.  You mean everything to me.  I

>j-just want-ted"


>Hotaru's words were cut off as she started sobbing uncontrollably.  Chibi

>Usa was stunned and did the only thing she could do.  She threw he arms around

>Hotaru and held her tight.  She led  Hotaru over to her bed and never stopped hugging her.


CITAN: Theyre finally touching!

BART: Poor Id.  Just when it gets to the part he wants to see...


>"It's okay.  Just calm down.  Calm down.  I'm not mad at you."


>"Youyou're not?"


>"You just surprised me last night, that's all.  It confused me.  Come on,

>you know I could never be mad at you. 


ELLY: Unless you use my toothpaste!  Then its war!


                                                                  You'll always be my friend."


>Chibi Usa lifted Hotaru's chin so she could see her face.


>"And I'll always love you."


BART:(singing) And I-eee-eye-ee-eye

FEI and KAHR:(joining in) will always love you...

ELLY rolls her eyes


>Hotaru hugged Chibi Usa as her final sobs faded away.


>"Are you okay?" Chibi Usa asked.


>"I'm feeling better now."


>"Good, because I wanted you to know I've made a decision.  But first I want

>to know one thing."


>"What is it?" Hotaru's feeling of dread returned.


>Chibi Usa looked her square in the eyes. 


CITAN:(as Chibi-Usa) Are those Bugle Boy jeans youre wearing?


                                                                  Her eyes had a deadly seriousness.


>"I want you to tell me, are you absolutely certain that this is what you

>want?  You want me to touch you?"


FEI:(As Hotaru) Well, now that I think about it...no.

BART: Fei!  Dont give her any ideas!


>Hotaru smiled as another tear managed to trickle down her cheek.


>"With all my heart." she sighed.


ALL GUYS cheer

BART: Poor Id... Poor, poor Id.

KAHR: Well tell him about it later.


>Chibi Usa smiled back.


>"Well then there's only one thing to do."


>Chibi Usa started unbuttoning Hotaru's shirt.  At first, Hotaru was

>overjoyed at the concept of finally being touched by someone she'd loved so much for so long.


CITAN: And someone who wouldnt charge her


>But then she suddenly grabbed Chibi Usa's hands and held them.


>"Are you sure you really want to do this.  The last thing I wanted was to pressure you."


>"Hotaru, I have to be honest.  Right now, I don't know if I want to do this.

>But I won't know that answer until it's done.  We'll worry about my feelings when the

>time is right."


ELLY:(sarcastically) Oh, thats the perfect way to do it!  Screw my feelings, lets just touch!

KAHR:(not getting the sarcasm) Yeah, youre right!

FEI looks at Kahr in total disgust


>Chibi Usa freed her hands from Hotaru and continued unbuttoning her shirt.


>"Right now, this is your time."


CITAN: Time to rock and roll!


>Hotaru closed her eyes and she could feel her shirt sliding off her chest

>and her shoulders.  Then there was a pause.


>"Hotaru?" Chibi Usa said.  Hotaru opened her eyes.


>"Do you want me to take off my clothes too?"


ALL GUYS start praying


>Hotaru looked at her for a moment.


>"Could you let me do it?  Please?"


ALL GUYS pray more fervently.






>Chibi Usa lifted her arms and Hotaru pulled her shirt over her head.  Then

>Hotaru began to unfasten Chibi Usa's pants as Chibi Usa unfastened Hotaru's skirt.  Chibi

>Usa stepped out of her pants and then helped slide Hotaru's skirt down her legs.  Chibi

>Usa sat back down on the bed and both girls reached around to unfasten each others' bras.

>After removing their bras, Chibi Usa stood up again and took off her panties.

>Hotaru laid back and let Chibi Usa slide her panties off.  As Chibi Usa removed Hotaru's

>panties, Hotaru spread her legs slightly to give Chibi Usa a momentary glimpse of her smooth

>sex.  Chibi Usa looked and was amazed by it, since she'd never really looked at it

>before, even after all the times they'd masturbated.


ELLY: The riveting undressing scene, ladies and gentlemen!

All the guys are too busy drooling to respond


>"I can't believe it.  It's so pink."  She said.


BART: I expected it to be green!


>"So is yours.  Yours is really pink too," Hotaru replied.


CITAN: Wait a minute!  Havent they both reached puberty?  And therefore wouldnt there be something down there unless they sha Hmm...Maybe I should run this past Yui.

BART:(mutters) or Sig...


>Chibi Usa sat back down.  There they were, both naked, sitting on the bed,

>but there was still that air of uncertainty.


>"Sowhere do we go from here?" Chibi Usa asked nervously. 


ELLY: Shouldnt your parents have explained that to you already?
FEI: Well, they wouldnt have explained that...

BART: Well, if you were Citans daughter they might have...

CITAN: Shut up!  Do I need to kick your ass again?


                                                                                                     Hotaru however,

>was surprisingly calm.


>"Well, how about you start like this?"


>Hotaru took Chibi Usa's hand and placed them on her breasts.  She placed her

>hand's over Chibi Usa's hands and motioned Chibi Usa's fingers to squeeze. 


ELLY: Dont squeeze the Charmin!



>Chibi Usa began to squeeze her breasts, Hotaru let her head back and sighed softly.


>"MmmmmThat feels so good," she said.


>Chibi Usa took her word for it.  She still couldn't believe that she was

>doing this, but for some reason she couldn't explain, she had the strong

>urge to continue.  She felt some kind of odd satisfaction at being able to make her best friend so >happy.


FEI: She should be glad shes making all of us so happy

ELLY smacks him


>"Could you pinch my nipples now, please?  I'd really love it if you did

>that," Hotaru said.


>Chibi Usa took Hotaru nipples


KAHR: When you want more than just a nipple, buy a Hotaru nippleŽ


                                                    between her thumbs and forefingers and began

>lightly pinching them, while her other fingers continued to squeeze Hotaru's breasts

>as best they could.  Hotaru's breasts weren't very big, but her nipples got hard and they

>stood straight out like two fleshy bullets. 


BART: I bet Billy would like to use those as ammunition


                                                                      Then her breasts became firm

>and stuck out like her nipples.


>Hotaru began to whimper tiny moans of pleasure.  This was her moment.  She

>was being touched and pleasured by her best friend, something she'd desired, hoped for

>and prayed for, for so long.  Now it was happening and it all felt so right.


>She began to maneuver herself to sit in front of Chibi Usa, with her back to

>her, taking care that Chibi Usa kept pleasuring her breasts.  Then she took Chibi Usa's

>left hand and placed it over her sex, motioning for her to rub.  Chibi Usa felt Hotaru's

>wet sex and was surprised.


>Wow, she thought, Hotaru must really have wanted this.  She's so hot and wet already.


The drool from the guys collects into large puddles.

ELLY smacks all of them back to their senses.


>Chibi Usa started rubbing and Hotaru's moans became louder and louder  She

>pressed her back against Chibi Usa's breasts and draped her head back over Chibi

>Usa's shoulder.  Chibi Usa was squeezing her breasts and rubbing her sex, just

>like Hotaru had always wanted.  She didn't want it to stop.  She wanted more pleasure and

>she knew would get it soon.  She could feel her orgasm building.


FEI: Damn, Chibi Usas getting the short end of the stick from all of this.


>"Don't stop Chibi Usa.  Please don't stop," Hotaru begged, "This feels so

>wonderful, and I'm so close.  I'm going to come."


FEI: Already?  It usually takes Elly a lot longer than that!

ELLY: Fei, do you want to sleep in the airlock tonight?

FEI: No maam.

ELLY: Then shut up!


>Chibi Usa kept rubbing.  Then she felt a large bump on Hotaru's sex.  She

>left her finger there for a moment and she could feel the throbbing. 


BART: She has a panic button?

All the others look at him and shake their heads.

BART: What?

KAHR: Dont ask, Bart. 

ELLY: Youll find out

CITAN: Maybe


                                                                                                         Then she heard Hotaru

>let out a huge gasp and she was sure.  She'd found Hotaru's clit, and it was so



BART: (realization dawning) Oh, Ive heard about that...


                 Smiling inwardly at her triumph,  Chibi Usa lightly stroked Hotaru's clit with her

>forefinger.  She could tell by Hotaru's increasing moans that she liked

>that, so she started poking at her clit with her finger.  Hotaru liked that

>even more, so Chibi Usa did one last thing, taking the swollen organ between

>her thumb and forefinger and giving it light, rapid pinches.  That was all

>Hotaru could stand.


>"Oh Chibi Usa!" she cried, "Chibi Usa, I have to lay down!  I'm coming!  I'm



CITAN: Hotaru has no endurance.

FEI: Yeah, it usually takes Elly a lot longer than that.

KAHR: Dominia can even last longer than that and shes a slut!


>Chibi Usa slid off the bed as Hotaru crashed on the pillows and came.

>Moaning loudly and squirming around on the bed, Hotaru rubbed her sex feverishly,

>desperately trying to soothe it.  Eventually, her shuddering subsided.


>"So how was it?" Chibi Usa asked.


ELLY: It was terrible!

FEI looks hurt

ELLY: I wasnt talking about you.


>"Thatthat was so incredible, I can't even describe it," Hotaru gasped,

>still breathless from her orgasm.


>Chibi Usa got up from the floor and then shuddered at the sensation.  She

>stopped for a moment.  She was so busy pleasuring Hotaru, she hadn't noticed her own sex

>becoming hot and dripping wet.


ELLY:(irritated) Why do all hentai writers have the notion that girls drip like faucets when theyre sexually aroused?

BART:(disappointed) They dont?


>"Oh man,"  she whimpered.


CITAN: Man?  There are no men in this story.

BART: You wish there were.

FEI: Um, what? 

ELLY: Dont worry about it Fei.

KAHR: You missed it

>"What?"  Hotaru had managed to catch her breath.


>"Why did you have to enjoy yourself so much," Chibi Usa scolded her,


FEI: Bad!  Bad Hotaru! How dare you enjoy yourself!



>I'm all hot and wet too."


>"Sorry." Hotaru giggled.


>"It's not funny," Chibi Usa whined, "Now I want to touch myself."


CITAN: I would just like to reiterate that Id would be so, SO sorry hes missing this.


>"I thought you liked touching yourself."


>"I do.  But only when I want to do it.  I didn't want to do it before.  Now

>it's like I have no choice."


KAHR: In a real lemon, wouldnt she just ask Hotaru to do it?

CITAN: And how many lemons have you read, Kahr?
KAHR: Well, youd be surprised what people throw awa...errh, none of your business!


>"Well you might as well get it over with.  There's no point in complaining

>about it now."


ELLY:(whining) But I dont wanna pleasure myself...


>Chibi Usa slumped down on the floor beside her bed and spread her legs.


>"Ooooohhh, I can't stand it anymore."


>"Wait!  Wait!  Wait!"  Hotaru grabbed a pillow and lay on her front in front

>of Chibi Usa.


>"What are you doing?" Chibi Usa asked.


>"I want to watch. 


There is a shocked silence in the theater.

FEI: She wants to watch?  Hmmmm.....Interesting (glances over at Elly)

KAHR: She only wants to watch?

CITAN: I like to watch!

BART:(irritated) I wish I could watch...


                                I want to see your hands give you the same pleasure you

>just gave me.  And it's not like I've never watched you before."


ALL GUYS break out into loud, gratuitous cheering


>"Oh all right."


>Chibi Usa's fingers headed straight for her clit.  This was an unplanned

>masturbation and she wanted to get it over with as soon as possible.  She could feel the heat

>from her clit even before she touched it.


KAHR: Why would she want to get it over with?


>As soon as she touched her clit, she felt like she was going to burst, but

>she didn't.  She began rubbing immediately, desperately trying to make

>herself come.  She started moaning and squirming on the floor as she rubbed faster and harder.  >Finally realizing rubbing wasn't enough, she started slapping her clit almost viciously,

>harder and harder.


CITAN: Slapping?  Is that anatomically possible?

FEI: Youre the doctor, you tell us.

ELLY: Its not possible.

KAHR: And youve tried this?
ELLY turns red


>"Come on," she moaned to herself, "Come on!"


>Hotaru just lay there, fascinated by Chibi Usa's rather unique display.


CITAN:(as Hotaru) Hmm, Maybe I should try that technique.


>After about two minutes, Chibi Usa threw her head back and came, shuddering for a few

>seconds, then calming down.


>"Are you okay?" Hotaru asked, concerned.


>"I'll be fine," Chibi Usa replied, "I'm sorry, but I just didn't feel like

>masturbating and I wanted to get it over with quick."


BART: How can you not feel like masturbating?

CITAN: Just let it go, Bart.

BART: But!

KAHR: Just cause youve never gotten any, doesnt mean we want to hear about it.


>"Don't worry about me, I'm worried about you.  You're going to be really

>sensitive and sore tomorrow."


>Hotaru slowly inched up to Chibi Usa and two sat side by side, naked.

>Hotaru knew what came next, but she was almost afraid to ask.


FEI:(as Hotaru) Chibi Usa, will you give me the remote control?  COPS is coming on!

ALL:(singing) Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do, whatcha gonna do when they come for you?


>"Sowhat about us?  We can't just forget what just happened."


BART: Yes you can, with the magic mind erasing machine! (patent pending)

KAHR: Wouldnt Chibi Usa want to because she didnt get anything out of it?


>"You're right.  There's only one thing to do."


FEI:(hopefully) Do it again?
ELLY:(slaps him) Shut your mouth, or you wont be doing it ever again.  Ow...my hand hurts


>"What's that?" Hotaru wasn't sure she wanted to hear the answer.


>Chibi Usa opened her arms to Hotaru and smiled.


>"Come here."


CITAN:(as Scorpion) Get over here!


>Both girls hugged each other tenderly.


ALL: Awww...


>"Did you enjoy tonight?" Chibi Usa asked, "Was it everything you wanted?"


ELLY: Well, I was hoping for some fries, but Ill take what I can get.


>"Yes.  It was everything I wanted.  Someone I love more than anything gave

>me the greatest pleasure I could imagine."


FEI: She let me have the remote


>Then Chibi Usa surprised Hotaru again, inching forward and gently kissing

>her on the lips.


CITAN:(excited) Theyre gonna touch again!

ALL GUYS cheer even louder than before.


>"Then don't forget.  I don't want you to ever forget.  I don't know about

>me, but you keep tonight in your heart, for me.  Otherwise, tonight was all for



ELLY:(as Hotaru) What happened tonight?


>"I promise you, no matter what, even if I find true love, I'll always

>treasure this moment for as long as I live."


FEI: Not everybody lets you hold the remote

KAHR: Fei, would you shut up about the remote?


>The two girls just sat beside Chibi Usa's bed, holding each other.


>"Chibi Usa?"




ELLY:(As Hotaru) Can we get into the bed?


>"Can we stay like this for a while?  It feels warm and safe."


CITAN: Sitting on the floor would be real warm.  Uh-huh




>Both girls fell asleep in each others' arms.


>"Well?"  Chibi Usa's voice snapped


FEI: her bra?


                                                          Hotaru back to reality.


>"Chibi Usa, nothing we ever did again could repeat that night,"


BART:(as Hotaru) Unless we got some whipped cream, handcuffs, baby oil, and a slip and slide.

ELLY: We dont want to hear your fantasies, Bart



>whispered to her, "That night was too special to ever replace."


>Chibi Usa hugged Hotaru again and sighed.


>"Great, now let's go.  Mom and Dad wanted to see you as soon as you got back."


CITAN:(As Mamoru) Did you screw our daughter?!


>Chibi Usa took Hotaru's hand and Hotaru savored the warm feeling.


KAHR: I dont think we should even comment on that line.  Its too easy.


>"So how was it with Haruka and Michiru?"


ELLY:(As Hotaru) I hate to say this, but they were better than you


>"It was great.  Haruka-poppa and Michiru-momma are always good to me. 


FEI: Haruka-poppa?

ELLY: Dont ask, or Kahr will explain.



>nice to know I have two places I can call home."


>Chibi Usa giggled.


>"What is it?"


>"Nothing.  I just like how you still call them Haruka-poppa and Michiru-momma."


>"Really?  You don't think it's silly now to keep calling them that?"


>"Of course not.  I think it's really cute when you do that.  It's one of the

>things I love about you."


FEI: That, and you let me have the remote


>Hotaru's pale cheeks blushed bright pink, much as she had done two weeks ago

>and she smiled as Chibi Usa walked with her up the Palace steps.  And she kept on

>smiling for the rest of the day.


FEI: Until she stepped into some dog crap

CITAN: Her foul language echoed through the palace halls, and for years servants would claim that they could sitll hear it.




ELLY: Thank Deus


>To Audience: 


ELLY: Theres more?


                         This was a little longer than my other stories.  Although if

>you take "Second Honeymoon" and combine the chapters, I guess it's not all that long.


ELLY: And we care?
KAHR: Should we ask Krelian to send us Second Honeymoon?

CITAN: Well, if its anything like this, then maybe we should just ask for the second half.


>Anyway, tell me if you liked the story and if you didn't, why not. 


ELLY: So many reasons to choose from.  By the way, what was his e-mail address again?


                                                                                                     Don't forget to

>pass any ideas along to me along if you want to see them written. 


BART: How bout learn to write a good fic!


                                                                                                        You know

>my address.


ELLY: Prepare for mail virus.

KAHR: Flame on!

BART: We can go now.


ALL exit theater


SOL 9000 Bridge


ALL the guys are sitting around, except Bart, whos leaving the room.

BART:(on phone) Hey Margie, theres something I wannatalk to you about

CITAN: Should we tell Id about this?  Itll just break his poor schizophrenic heart.

KAHR: Well, isnt that enough reason to tell him?
CITAN: Well, first we have to make him manifest again.

KAHR: Leave that to me.

CITAN: Have you seen Elly and Fei?

KAHR: Um, I think they headed off to their room after the fic...


Light starts to go off.


CITAN: Krelians calling.




KRELIAN:(breathing hard) Sowas the fic as badas I thought?

SOL 9000


CITAN: Worse.  And why are you out of breath?



KRELIAN:(Still breathing hard) I needed to get away from Miang.  Im not a machine, dammit!


SOL 9000


CITAN: Were not even gonna ask.




MIANG:(offscreen) Oh Krel...

KRELIAN: No...Not again...I cant feel my legs yet...

MIANG:(offscreen) Krel!  When Im finished with you, you wont need your legs.

KRELIAN moans and pushes the button.